Pillow talk

Ever wanted to know more about the male models that grace the covers of your favorite romances but had no way of asking?

Here's your chance! 69 Shades of Smut will be inviting cover models to be interviewed on our blog and we’d like your help.

We need a huge list of questions for the models to choose from ranging from the personal to the professional. We've posted some questions to get you going but here's where you come in:

Tell us which cover models you’d like us to invite for a smutty interview, and what questions would you like to ask?

Remember, every comment you leave equals a chance to win one of 14 ebooks we’re giving away this Sunday! See you at

Coming attractions

How deep is your love

Come show me yours, dearest denizens, and come read about the depth of mine, it's my turn to introduce myself at 69 Shades of Smut!

Life, death, lust, love, writing and hot naked people, my piece has got everything!!

Bring a friend. Bring two. Spread the word. Just don't forget to leave a comment for a chance to win a red-hot read, fourteen ebooks up for grabs!!!
 

Sexcellent Sunday, sweetie darlings. See you there.

She-bop

When I held the XXX-mas giveaway last December, I put up a poll where I asked how satisfied are you with your sex life. Almost half of the votes landed in the last category, "What sex life?". It wasn't a trick question, but I later realized that I was in fact implying that to have a satisfactory sex life, you had to be having partnered sex, when in fact we all have a sex life. Sometimes the only sex we're having is with ourselves. Now there's a till-death-do-you-part relationship worth cherishing and cultivating since it is a life sentence.

We are born sexual beings and we die sexual beings. Some life stages see more one-on-one action than others, but sexual health remains a component of overall health, right up there with diet and exercise, throughout our lives. The strength of the drive varies from person to person, and even within the lifespan of an individual, your sexuality, your likes and dislikes, change and evolve. Nothing is mandatory when it comes to sex. There is no to-do list. But I can't think of a better way of keeping up with your body than keeping in touch with it, hands-on. Exploring how you respond and react, learning how you like to be touched, what turns you on. In that area, you should be expert, the authority.

But it's not just you and your hand anymore, you're in a relationship, you say? Congratulations! But that's an altogether different relationship, one I hope is not interfering with the one you have going with yourself, and I'd hate for that connection to be severed. I'm glad if you're having hot sex with someone eight days a week, but it's not like you're cheating on them if you go for a tug or rub one out every now and then. More like you're being unfaithful to yourself if you never do!

Statistics indicate that up to 89 per cent of women and 95 per cent of men masturbate. It's not a substitute for sex but a foundation on which you build, through life. A complement, a supplement, even while you're having hot sex with someone eight days a week. I hope they make you happy and you make them happy too, but I also hope you don't exist for each other in the sense that you're each others only source of joy, happiness, or pleasure. That's not love, that's codependency.

I submit to you that it's hard to be a masterful lover if you haven't mastered the art of self-love. If you're uncomfortable with yourself, how could you be comfortable with someone else? If you find no pride or pleasure in your body, do you expect to feel it in someone else's hands? If you can't give yourself an orgasm, is it fair to expect someone else to give you one?

Sorry about the Spanish Inquisition. There certainly has been enough of that to go around through the ages. Even the ancient Egyptians, Romans and Sumerians were more enlightened in these matters. And then the Church Fathers decided God hates wankers. Doctors joined the hate parade. In the introduction to Mark Twain's essay on masturbation, there's a passage from a century-old medical text clearly condemning self-stimulation as self-abuse, a sin worse than theft that destroys both body and soul and paves the way for diseases and mental disorder leading to suicide. Victorians may have treated female hysteria by getting women off, but men wasting their life force were offered pills, chastity belts, and clamps and cages sure to make men writhe, and I don't mean in pleasure. A mere century ago.

Fast forward to 1971 when The Sex Book: A Modern Pictorial Encyclopedia by Goldstein, Haeberle and McBride boldly stated that masturbation was and is the most common form of sexual activity. No one was struck by lightning. The sky didn't fall or the seas rise. Forty years ago. Only forty years ago. It boggles the mind my generation is the first guilt and shame free generation in a very long time, if they choose to be. It pains me to think of all the kids growing in a culture or within a religious community that applies the ostrich logic or openly maligns self-pleasuring as a one-way ticket to hell, illness and insanity.

Myths, taboos, old wives' tales, prejudices and warnings associated with the awful consequences of masturbation still linger. At the very least, it's a selfish act. Before you know it, you're watching porn or reading those trashy, filthy books, erotic romances, all day, or both!, while your balls shrink and hair falls out, and besides only nasty, dirty teens do it. The. Horror.

You are entitled to your opinion, religious groups to their beliefs and cultures to their norms, but doctors had a change of heart after some extensive research into the matter. Modern medicine men and psychologists have come to the consensus that masturbation is not only healthy, it comes with health benefits.

Unless you're up to something illegal or unsanitary, it's the safest sex you'll ever have. Maybe you're abstaining from partnered sex, maybe you're in between partners, maybe you're not ready for penetrative sex. The itch still needs to get scratched. Release brings relief without the risk of pregnancy or STDs and helps you familiarize yourself with your body, be comfortable in your own skin. You'll be glad you did when it's time to partner up and get it on.

You'll understand your responses and responsiveness better and that can only improve your performance. If you're a sprinter looking to run a marathon, or vice versa, masturbation can help increase stamina and manage delayed ejaculation. Practice makes perfect.

Masturbation is a natural way of combating insomnia, anxiety, pain and stress. Upon arousal, epinephrine levels spike. Another feelgood hormone, dopamine, runs riot on your way to orgasm, and the calming hormones oxytocin and endorphin grant us that sweet afterglow. Other beneficial side-effects of release: the release of cortisol, a hormone which regulates the body's immune system. Masturbation boosts your mood and your metabolism. The more satisfied you are with your sex life, solo or partnered, the more likely you are to enjoy life and good health.

Gentlemen! Regular release keeps the prostate in shape by cleaning out the plumbing. Not a foolproof prevention technique, but a pleasurable way of lowering the risk.

Ladies! Have you ever felt the urge to masturbate when you felt a UTI coming on? Don't fight it, the body knows what it needs, and what it needs is for you to listen to it. Female masturbation provides protection against cervical infections. Orgasming opens up the cervix and the increased friendly bacteria produced move old fluids from the cervix into the vagina. You're not only being lubricated, you're flushing out possibly unfriendly bacteria that can cause infections. Orgasms also strengthen the pelvic floor by giving the entire region a workout during orgasm.

The bad news: with age, vaginal walls thin and become drier due to a decrease in estrogen. It can result in cracks and tears, which in turn can make you susceptible to bacterial infections. Urination and intercourse can become painful, sometimes impossible. Vaginal atrophy can become a problem after or even during menopause. The good news: older women are just as able to become aroused as younger women are. Masturbation keeps the blood circulation in the genitals going strong, strengthens those thinning walls via pelvic workouts and lubricates the vagina.

Many women find that masturbation alleviates premenstrual tension. In a number of studies, women who experienced more orgasms, alone or with a partner, displayed greater resistance to coronary heart disease and type-2 diabetes. A cause for celebration, surely.

Mind, body, and soul. Now there's a holy trinity well worth cultivating since you're stuck with them for life. Leaving even one of them out of the equation leaves you wanting. Each component needs nourishment, each deserves attention and respect, and every single one of them promises pleasure and fulfillment. As long as you take pride in and honor them all, equally.

Your next week's mission, should you choose to accept it, is a self-love date with yourself. Do whatever brings you the most pleasure, as long as it involves the emotional, the intellectual and the physical level. Together or separate, your choice. You're the expert of you. Do whatever you feel would strengthen your relationship with yourself. Confidence is sexy. So is self-awareness of the calm, collected kind. Go get connected.

Lonnie Barbach (2000, 1976). For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality

Betty Dodson (1996). Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving. 

Martha Cornog (2003). The Big Book of Masturbation: From Angst to Zeal.

Komisaruk, Beyer-Flores and Whipple (2006). The Science of Orgasm. 

Thomas W Laqueur (2003). Solitary Sex: A Cultural History of Masturbation.

Planned Parenthood Federation of America (2002). The White Paper. Masturbation. From Stigma to Sexual Health.

Joann Ellison Rodgers (2003). Sex: A Natural History.

Mark Twain (2009, 1879). Some Thoughts on the Science of Onanism.

The shape of things to come

Whoever said discussing the weather is the last resort of the unimaginative must have lived around the Equator somewhere, or not been paying attention to their surroundings. When you constantly battle with the elements like northern Europeans do, the seasons and the weather is something you have to take into account every day. You have to plan ahead and be prepared, be flexible and patient, acknowledge that anything can happen on the way from here to there, especially in the winter.

It brings you close to nature quite literally and inseparably. It reminds you that in the end, Mother Nature rules, not us. We make her suffer, we suffer the consequences. Sometimes the response is immediate, sometimes very subtle. Mother Nature doesn't exact vengeance. In her equation, we are but one piece of the puzzle, nothing less, nothing more. I feel it keenly up here, and Scandinavians are rather proud of how deeply rooted they are in the soil, how their life and livelihood has depended on what the land, water and forests yield, how they treat that land and those resources, and how, if they let them go to the dogs, they have nothing.

In these turbulent times of ours (has mankind ever known another?), this is a relatively safe and sane place to live and raise a family. Do people sweat the small stuff? Oh yes. But they got it so good, what else could they whine about? Are they grateful for the small stuff? When you wade through a blizzard blowing from the Arctic, a fireplace and a warm beverage is all you need. Could we use a lighter, brighter mood, some carnival, more wine, companions and song? Yes, but these are people more likely to work than party themselves to death, because partying didn't put food on the table or wood in the fire, and that's how people seem to be hardwired even in the high tech era.

What do people do for fun then? In the summer, they commune with nature. Disappear into the woods and the wilderness, the lakes and archipelago, even the city folk who, especially in the summer, gallop as fast as they can to where they or their parents or grandparents came from: the countryside. And it's so inspiring, this sudden burst of spring and summer. It takes me by surprise every time. It's here. It's suddenly here! It prompts you to seize the moment, live in the here and now. It comes with a tinge of foreboding, a sense of urgency, greediness even, but that's part of it's charm. Just when you start to get accustomed to it, it's gone. Better enjoy it while you can.

So I put up office outdoors, one eye on the kids, the other on whatever I'm working on, and when the laptop closes, I don't head inside. We hop on bikes and pedal to the beach or the parks, roam the woods, tend to the garden and orchard, meet up with friends and family for picnics and barbecues.

I am a wee bit worried how the summer will work out work wise. (Nothing new under the sun there.) I'll be knee-deep in edits for Perpetual Pleasure in the middle of the kids' summer holiday and Hubby's vaca is still two months away. But I never solved a single problem worrying about it, so I've been streamlining my schedule, and I've got the famous Midnight Sun to keep me company and awake when need be. I'm not going to let the season get away from me, I'm going after it with a club in one hand and a net in the other. Here kitty kitty...

Speaking of The Book...I've got cover art! Oh yes. Ask and you shall receive and I did and they delivered, designed by Irene Adler. (No, I don't think it's that Irene Adler. She would have to be immortal like my heroine, and really real, unlike my heroine.) It's simple and it's sexy, just the way I like 'em. So where is it? I will show it to you on Sunday when it's my turn to introduce myself at 69 Shades of Smut. Oh shush, it's killing me too, just sitting on it for days!

Shouldn't you be the first ones to see it? Well, come support me in my endeavor to look the part of a Real Author and come have a look-see first thing! You will always be my sweetie darlings, sweetie darlings, you know that, don't you? Would another Frisky Friday make you feel better? Why don't we gather here on Friday then and talk auto eroticism. Nothing to do with object sexuality or a car fetish. Solo sex, sweetie darlings; the benefits of masturbation.

This must be the place

Hi, my name is Dita, and I'm the self-appointed Head of the European branch of the 69 Shades of Smut authors. (It's a smutty job, but somebody's gotta do it.) The who in the what now? Come find out!
 
Today is all about short introductions. Starting tomorrow, each one of us will host an introductory post of our own, and you do not want to miss those either, each comment you leave by midnight PST June 2, 2012 equals one chance to win a book of your choice from a long list of romances and erotic romances penned by yours truly madly deeply and my partners in smut. So visit daily! Bring a friend!! Spread the word!!!

We are a very diverse group of authors ranging from the multi-published and award-winning to the just-getting-my-game-on (yes, that would be me), writing everything from cowboy and contemporary to historical and paranormal stories. What we do have in common is the passion to write on the wild side. There is something for every reader in our midst, so swing by regularly to get all the latest deets and get to know us better.

And if you stumbled upon this page via the 69ers, hi, my name is Dita, welcome to my Den!

Happy Mother's Day

 

Gratitude is the memory of the heart.

~French proverb

Photo credit

Why so serious?

I was invited to join a group blog. I looked at the authors who had already committed and then I looked over my shoulder to see if maybe there wasn't some other erotic romance author named Dita Parker standing behind me. (I feel like such a Romantica rookie at times.) They thought I had something to contribute to the group? They assured me they did indeed think so, and asked if I'd like to come by once or twice a month and talk smut.

But...but... *fierce batting of eyelashes* I don't write smut, I write erotic romance. Can you believe it? That was my second reaction, my stupid I-cringe-in-shame-just-thinking-about-it Ms. Rod-Up-The-Butt moment. Can't you just sense the woman on a mission in me rising? Sheesh. My next thought was, "Taking ourselves a wee bit too seriously there, now aren't we?" I do take words seriously. I believe in their power. So much so that I can sometimes get stuck on things beyond their natural life expectancy. And then who looks like antiquity? Only me.

Those ladies looked driven and determined and all business. Very serious about this writing business of ours. Aren't I? Well...yes. Doesn't it look as if I am? I will admit that for a social being, I really like my solitude. But solitude doesn't sell books or get your name out there. I'm just not fond of the "If you want to sell, yell!" thing. I don't care for competition either, not in any art form. There is no objective meter. OK, there are widely agreed upon standards, but so many are apt to change with the times, it's hard to take them all dead seriously, especially if you're trying to do something new and improved.

And what were we talking about anyway? Yes. My discomfort zones. Maybe I'll be more comfortable with them in a group. And I'm all for challenging myself, for challenging preconceived notions about myself. And I'm all for lifelong learning. How many WordPress users does it take to teach a Blogger to use WP? We'll see, but boy am I glad there are quite a few in the group to show me the ropes, or rather help me untangle them because I know I will make a mess of something at some point.

Writing is such a lonely occupation. The world has been shrinking, geography losing impact and meaning as technology provides more and more ways of crossing oceans and continents in the blink of an eye. Still, I sometimes feel very cut off sitting up here on top of the world. Maybe it's the time difference. Or maybe I should go out more. Raise my game some. Boldly go where Dita hasn't gone before. You know what they say. Keep doing what you're doing and keep getting what you're getting. You know what I say. You'll never know if you don't go. So I said yes.

Will I spend less time at the Den? No. Will you have to learn to share? Yes. But think of the new interesting people you'll meet along the way, and all the people I'll reach who've never heard of yours truly madly deeply! A win-win situation, surely, dearest denizens?

Saving the best for last... In other but related news, über exciting ones: I sent out my cover request for Perpetual Pleasure, which my editor has now forwarded. She also wanted to let me know the contract for the book cleared, so I do I do I really do have a new book coming out from Ellora's Cave!!! More on all of the above soon.

Objects of desire

High time for another installment of Frisky Friday, don't you think? I think we'd pick up where we left off and talk fetishes. No, don't go! If you've read even one of my FF posts, you know this may very well concern you, too. Spice up your sex life. Give food for thought, at the very least.

But when I said fetish, you saw a dude in latex licking lady-toe like mad. Some of you did, admit it. Because admittedly, the more mainstream the imagery has become (see e.g.: every other music video these days), the more exposure even the most hardcore branches have gotten and the more misunderstandings have ensued.

The thing is that when it comes to fetishes, everybody has one, or two, or a few. The problem is that when the word comes up, others often follow, words such as bizarre, deviant, taboo, perverted, kinky. Fetishism, like so many other sex-related terminology (see: post on porn), has become a blanket term for everything from a clinical condition where your sole source of sexual stimulus/satisfaction is sucking that toe/watching someone suck toe/thinking about sucking of said toe to the simple fact you find feet the most erotic part of the human anatomy.

A sexual fetish is a fixation ranging in degree from playful to paraphilic on a body part (e.g. breasts), an object (e.g. a bra), a medium (lace), an individual (lingerie model) or situation (insert favorite fantasy starring lingerie model) that is a prerequisite for your arousal. But since anything can and has been eroticized, is it any wonder the word fetish comes with baggage of the overweight kind.

Let's rummage through that case, shall we? First item, a prominent one: clothing. There are loads of clothes in that bag, Special Mention: shoes, uniforms and lingerie, leather and latex, and transvestic items. We could of course wear most anything that protects us from the elements. But most of us pay attention to things like colors and textures and tailoring, fabric and feel and function. Fashion. We dress to impress and we dress to attract. We emphasize and exaggerate. Some garments we simply find pleasing, some a pleasure, on ourselves or on others. Underwear, high-heeled boots, gloves, tight skirts, short skirts, military apparel, stretch fabrics...

Next to come out of that case: body parts. Partialism is an intense focus on a specific body part, a part some find as or even more sexually attractive as the genitals. So lots of hands, fingers and fingernails in that case. Plenty of legs and feet. Lips, breasts and buttocks, too. Many overlooked erogenous parts feature: the navel and knees, ears and armpits.

What else have we got in there? Hair, or lack thereof. Many a woman fancy a hairy chest or a shaved head. Many a man drool over certain hair colors, lengths or dos. For some, it's all about tattoos or body piercings. For others, it's an age thing, the knowledge they are much older or younger than you are. Some find there is no turn-on greater than a certain shape or size; a really tiny/large woman, a truly muscled man, a pregnant belly.

Impregnating that belly. Exhibitionism, voyeurism. Power play. Authority figures. (Which brings us really close to a related issue, BDSM, which deserves a post or seven all its own.) Sexual arousal may occur from anything. Anything can travel in that bag. But that anything is such a subjective, personal issue, it can be hard to understand why your turn-off is someone's turn-on, or why not everyone finds pleasure in the things you do.

Who's holding that bag? Someone for whom fetishes replace true intimacy and/or cause distress. Someone for whom fetishism is an integral part of their sexual identity. Someone for whom fetishes are a casual prop, an occasional spice, a playful form of intimacy and variety. Most everyone has some setup, person, personality trait or body part that turns them on more than any other they can imagine. Some have fun with it in the bedroom, alone or with their partners. It can be something so simple not everyone acknowledges it for what it is. It can be something you consider so atypical, extreme even, you'd never tell a soul what it is.

We agree, mehopes, that taste is a subjective issue. What lies within the boundaries of normal (now there's a word I find disturbing) sexuality varies not only by individual but time and place as well. Yesterday's horror is tomorrow's ho-hum. Don't be too hard on yourself. So your fetish borders on the unconventional (one of my favorite words). If it doesn't affect your life or relationships, if you're not hurting anyone with it, physically or emotionally, it should be a source of pleasure, not shame!

Sex is too important to be left drifting in the fogs of confusion and misunderstanding. It's a positive, pleasurable thing, is it not? At its best, sex is not only a source of physical satisfaction but a window, an exploration into your psyche, relationships and relationship patterns. Your next week's mission, should you choose to accept it, is to give it a think. Is there a certain type of person/personality you find especially attractive? Certain settings or scenarios you find super arousing? Specific body parts or paraphernalia that really turn you on? What lies at the root of them...that's not necessarily for me to know, only you to find out. I hope it helps you understand your preferences better. I hope it helps you enjoy sex and your sexuality more.

Until next time, dearest denizens! Keep thinking sexy thoughts.